Hearts & MindsSM - Information for ChangeSM My Recovery A personal story about alcohol and drugs

       My name is John. I am a recovering alcoholic. I started drinking around the age of 12 or 13.

       My father was an alcoholic and he was physically abusive. He left home when I was five.

       The next time I saw him I was seven. He took me out of school and brought me to my paternal grandparents' house, where he had been on the lam for not paying child support.

       The next time I saw him was in his coffin.

       My mother, sister and I lived with my maternal grandparents. Even though there was some stability living with them, I was still a very confused child. I felt abandoned by both parents and this made me sad. I had no father and my mother had a lot of issues. My mother came from very strict, inflexible immigrant parents. And she had me at the very young age of 19.

       I internalized my feelings. I became shy, frightened and anal retentive. I held in my feces so much that I ended up in the hospital when I was nine. Around that time, my mother got involved with another man. This added to my frustration and pain. I acted out by stealing.

       My mother remarried when I was 11 or 12. My stepfather tried to be a good parent but I was still experiencing feelings of confusion and abandonment. I didn’t want him around. I wanted my real father.

       My stepfather’s diet pill habit became a full-blown addiction. He had extreme mood swings and was verbally abusive. He made me stay in the house and wouldn’t let me play with other kids. He and my mother fought a lot. He abused her verbally and beat her regularly. Looking back, I felt terrified, as if a war was going on around me.

       I started work at 12 years old. At age 15, my mother started giving me diet pills to help me get up for my early morning part-time job.

       Working for a dentist, my mother had access to uppers (amphetamines) and downers (barbiturates). Back then there were no regulations on these drugs, so she got away with ordering them while working there. She brought some home for my stepfather and me. These readily available drugs accelerated my addiction because I felt good and didn’t have to think about my emotional pain.

       Meanwhile, my home situation was getting worse. My stepfather became a fence for stolen goods. He was doing business with drug addicts and thieves. They robbed warehouses and hijacked trucks. Our living room was like a store, filled with racks of stolen suits. The thieves would come to our house armed with guns and carrying bags of stolen jewels.

       My stepfather began to give me marijuana. This made it seem ok, but he was encouraging my growing dependence on drugs. I started sneaking into my parents’ room to steal his amphetamines and cocaine.

       I dropped out of college and started working as an installer for the phone company. During this time my biological father died and I felt very sad, lonely and frightened.

       My drug problem was getting worse. I started snorting heroin. I tried hallucinogens.  I took barbiturates. I also took a lot of speed. Then I began to inject heroin. I tried everything - and always to excess. It made me stand out in a crowd and was a way to anesthetize all the hurt I’d experienced.

       I was at Woodstock in 1969. I don’t remember much of it. I guess that proves I was there.

       Using drugs, alcohol, sex - anything mood altering – are symptoms of an underlying problem. I felt frightened, unloved, and inadequate. I felt an enormous amount of self-hate.

       Driven by the drugs and my powerful emotions, it got to the point where I was very paranoid. I thought people were chasing me. I basically wanted to die. Sometimes I did crazy things. I kicked in windows and even jumped right through one. I was in about 10 car accidents.

       Around 1970 I finally started a methadone program to get off heroin. That didn’t work. I began to steal. I attempted to quit using drugs many times but kept relapsing. I tried various drug programs, but to no avail. I burglarized my mother’s house and she had me arrested. I went to jail again. As a result, I was paroled to a therapeutic community. I graduated from the community with drinking privileges (something unheard of today).

       During the next several years I started drinking more to substitute for the drugs. However this didn’t last long. I started using drugs again but I was still able to function: I worked, got married and eventually started my own business.

       After more problems with alcohol and drugs I finally admitted I needed help. I surrendered in August of 1980 and started attending Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. However, I had much denial because I had my business, my wife, my house and money. But I didn’t know who I was. Over time I learned that surrender to a higher power of my choice and total abstinence were the keys to my recovery.

       I still wanted to drink, but I wanted even more to stop. There was an enormous amount of denial. After several years of total abstinence and following the program of AA I still needed further recovery work. I started to attend ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings and I was able to delve deeply into my emotional problems. There was again an enormous amount of support and identification after I started going to ACOA meetings. I met many people who had gone through similar painful emotional and addiction experiences. This helped me connect with my own hurt inner child. I was able to look deep inside and deal with a lot buried emotions. To overcome my addiction, I had to face my demons and be honest with myself.

       I’m still living with the results of all the craziness from my past. Life is an ongoing process, living one day at a time. I got over the addiction but still need to work through the emotional issues that led to those addictions.

       Back then I was avoiding a lot of painful feelings, so I stayed high on drugs. But I realized that I have to be willing to accept that I have a problem and deal with that problem. Hiding from my problems was disastrous for me. I started to see that I had a huge amount of self-hate. Once I got through the pain, life was much better. It wasn’t easy but it was worth it.

       I went to school for my plumber’s license, and eventually built up my own successful plumbing company. Still taking it one day at a time, staying sober, I’m keeping my life together. Now I have a good life. It’s certainly well worth the effort.

       Looking back, I was always trying to change my situation. Drugs and alcohol were tools to help me survive. I felt that otherwise I would go insane. However, nothing worked. The drugs or alcohol didn’t solve my problems. I had to take a look at myself and confront my own demons.

       AA was the beginning of a life long journey of self-discovery. From the perspective of my experiences, I’ve ultimately learned the true nature of this journey of discovery. It’s about understanding that I am capable of interacting with people and with a higher power of my choice. I really do not know the exact nature of my journey. However, I am clean and sober today and therefore capable of placing my trust in the benevolence of a higher power.